For those of you who don’t carpool, congrats to you.  For those of you who do: we know what you’re up against!  The carpool partner who’s always late, always early, or just won’t shut up.  But the number one offense in our book is beeping. We know you’re there.  (You come every morning.)  Just hold on a sec!

Hint to all you beepers: if you’re getting impatient, ring the bell or call from your cell!

Top Ten Worst Carpool offenses

5. Making passive aggressive comments about your dirty car
4. Calling you every day to switch the schedule
3. Refusing to ever switch the schedule
2. Engaging in extended chit chat every single morning. (”So, what are you doing today?”)
1. Beeping!

We know: you’re trying to be cute, charming and courteous.  But the result is strange, silly and childish. Try using the “we” voice instead, as in, “We’re really glad you came to the party and appreciate the Thomas the Train set.”  The resulting card is far more sincere (And nobody thought little Jason was writing the thing anyway).

Sometimes a picture says it all.  When did we sink from eating in the corporate cafeteria to eating in our car?  If you work from home and have young children around, then you know why this is weird but necessary.  If you’ve never had to do this, we applaud you (but doubt it’s true.)  Doesn’t every mom eat in the car sometimes–just to get it all done or be alone for a moment?

As in, accidentally dialing the last person you were talking to or hounding the first person in your address book simply because your phone is in your back jeans pocket. If you are the recipient, you may shout “Hello, Hello” when you answer, only to hear the muffled sounds of moms and kids chatting, shouting, goofing off. Weirdest of all is when you hear something you shouldn’t. To avoid this annoyance, lock your keypad if you insist on carrying your phone in your ass.

You saw the movie.  No doubt, you’ve also met this mother.  She’s the one who can’t remember your name, who your kids are or where you live–even though she’s been introduced to you fifteen times.  Don’t worry–it’s her, not you. (Unless of course, you’re that Groundhog Mother.)

If there’s one consolation at the end of a long, tiring afternoon, it’s seeing another mom when you pick your kid up, sharing a little chit chat, maybe stepping inside her front door to have a look around.  It’s not that you’re nosy exactly, it’s just nice to have adult, human contact.  That, and you’ve watched a lot of HGTV and want to see what her digs look like.  Which makes it very weird indeed when the other mother says, “Oh, I’ll get him,” and leaves you standing with your boots on in her mudroom or worse yet, at the front door.  We can figure out what the reason is — messy house, embarrassment over the furniture, or lack thereof — but still, it’s weird.  And by the way, if you’re the one standing on the threshold after you’ve been invited in, that’s weird too.  (Do you agree?   Let us know at www.weirdthingsmomsdo.com)

If you’re still saying Happy New Year, now might be a good time to give this one up. We don’t know when the official deadline is for ending this cheerful salutation, but trust us, it’s passed. Start thinking Winter Break (as in, what are your plans for?) and Groundhog Day instead. If you’re insistent on this Happy New Year thing, Chinese New Year begins February 14th.

Or the hot Bakugan. Or the right Wii game. . . . It’s true we want to do right by our kids–and even truer that nothing says love like the perfect Hannukah or Christmas present. (Or else, why would we obsess about it?) But sometimes, you just gotta let it go!  Here’s to a stress-free holiday.

Every cool mom we know swears she won’t listen to bad, kitschy kids’ music.  But if we had a dime for every mom who’s broken her promise . . . Well, you know the rest.  We’d be rich.  Enter babies.  Toddlers.  Screaming you-know-whats and you’ve got a desperate desire for quiet even in the form of sing-songy terrible lyrics that reverberate around the back seat.  What’s weird isn’t how bad the music is, but how catchy it is; you can’t ever get the songs out of your head!  (We know some of you secretly hum it to yourself in the shower.)  If you want to break the habit for good, or just enjoy some musical fun on a rainy afternoon, check out www.kidrockers.com for kids’ concerts with up and coming rock bands who play at kid friendly times.  You just might catch the cool music habit all over again–and get a much needed infusion to your music collection.

Even if you’ve never played a team sport in your life, we’ll bet you’ve sat at your son’s or daughter’s games shouting what they should do.  As if you knew!  As if this isn’t totally weird.  There’s a coach on the field.  And presuming it’s not you, is it really necessary to help Luke with soccer strategy from forty feet away?