It’s weird, but true, that “let’s get coffee,” almost always means, I’ve got to go and don’t want to seem rude. This isn’t 1950. Does anyone really have time for a coffee date?  You’re either working full time, on your way to the gym, or having your java jolt just to get out of the house on time. Yet moms say this all the time in the hopes that the other mother’s too busy to take them up on it.

Every June, emails and memos go out asking parents to contribute to a group teacher gift and most parents respond with their cash contribution.  Why then do so many moms (including us!) insist on also buying a separate gift for the teacher?  Yes, teachers work hard.  Yes, they deserve appreciation.  But isn’t that the point of the group gift?  And if you want to give them $20 or $30 dollars instead of ten, then why not contribute that to the group gift certificate?  We doubt the teacher needs another paper weight, apple mug or note pad–and we don’t think moms are currying favors at this point either.  Your child is done for the year!  We honestly cannot explain this behavior.  It’s just weird.

No one likes to be sick.  And having sick kids is like a double dose of bad mojo.  But then there’s weird paranoia, as in, mothers who refuse to let their child play with yours if anyone in your house has been sick within say, the last month.  These moms honestly believe that if your son was sick in May, there are still germs alive and well on your living room sofa–in late June.  (We suspect that these are the mothers who invented the air kisss–germs, not lipstick, being the main thing to avoid.)  But we digress.  Back to the weird.  What’s weird–and ironic–is that the most vigilant parents always have the worst luck.  Right after the “approved” playdate has taken place, the young tot in question usually comes down with something viral, putting the weird, paranoid mother into an even bigger tail spin.  Now she’s sure that you lied to her about your family health survey and will probably never allow young Larry to step foot in your house again.   

It’s not the desire to match that’s at work here but the desire to trick, as in, “If I have a curly bob like my daughter, people will believe that I am young and perky too.”  We imagine this technique works best when you’re going into the witness protection program, but never mind.  Mom’s minds are bendable to all things half true; other mothers are willing to embrace the unbelievable if it gives them something new and fun to gossip about. (How else would all those mom friendships survive?)  Note: Don’t think that matching hair color gives you free license to embrace mother-daughter dressing.  It is not cute or even mildly amusing to see a mother dressed in the same outfit as her daughter.  It’s scary and reminds us of the Stepford Wives.

What exactly will happen if you put your three year old in a regular twin bed? Will he get lost?  Will you lose him?  Will the mommy police give you a fine for not wasting enough money on baby products this month?  And yet, all over the country, mom’s are buying minature-sized “toddler beds” in the shapes of cars, castles and bowling alleys so that their little one will survive the transition from crib to bed.  We suspect these are the same moms who had their babies sleep in cradles or bassinets because the crib seemed too gigantic.  We know that seemed normal at the time too, right?